Samuel Bramer

That name might not sound familiar to anyone that knows my little Bramer family. That’s because my wife and I would’ve been announcing our pregnancy with that name in mind. But, at our most recent ultrasound we received news that the heartbeat of our unborn child could not be found.

My wife was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant around this week. However, God’s plan was different than our own. We lost our baby.

This year has been an incredibly difficult year for my family. We’ve sold our house, bought a new house, are living with family, recently lost a new addition to our best friends family, and so many more things this year. And now, we lose our baby.

Sandy and I believed this baby to be a boy, she just knew this baby was going to a boy. That’s not hard to consider, if you know the Bramer family.

We were so excited to meet our little Samuel. His name, comes from the Bible story in 1 Samuel, where Hannah prays and prays to be given a son and finally is given one. Immediately she dedicates Samuel to the Lord, for His pleasure, because the Lord gave her this boy.

That’s why we named this baby Samuel. We prayed and prayed for a baby, and we were given one. Just one we never got to hold. Samuel was dedicated to the Lord from birth, and was an incredible Priest for the Israelites of the Old Testament, a true leader of the faith. That’s why we named this baby Samuel, we were dedicated him to the Lord from the very beginning.

Yet, our baby didn’t make it. We saw the heartbeat, but he measured too little, we came back and there was no heartbeat.

As a father, I don’t have the intimate connection of growing this baby in my body, my wife does. I could never measure up to the strength of all women, but especially my wife. Sandy is the strongest woman I know. Concurring fear after fear, and continuing to battle everyday to be the best mom, wife, sister, and friend she can be. She’s amazing. And I couldn’t ever fathom the pain she is going through right now. Her body, her mind, her soul, her faith, everything is being challenged right now. All of that will be challenged for the rest of her life.

I loved Samuel, before I even met him. Sandy grew him in her womb.

I appreciate all the condolences I’ve received, and I am sorry for those that I haven’t responded too. I just don’t know how. I will be turning the comments off this post (if I figure out how), because I just can’t take it. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to react, I don’t have the strength to relive this every time someone asks about our pregnancy. I love you all, and we appreciate your prayers.

Sandy and I took some time off, and we are currently taking a little family vacation doing some things that Everett is loving: visiting the New Port Aquarium, seeing model trains, eating good food, and being together. I am so sad that Everett has no idea what is happening to his mommy and daddy. We are ripped to shreds from losing Samuel and he has no idea. He was going to be a big brother.

As a family, we’ve been praying a lot. Thanking our great God for everything He’s done for us. He’s amazing. My faith is stronger today than it was yesterday. How can that be? Am I a bad father for thinking that? I know that our son is in Heaven waiting for us, waiting for us to come hold him. I know this was all in God’s plan. I know He works everything for His good. How could I question that?

My grieving is completely different than I expected, but I appreciate you all for your words and for those who took the time to read this.

I love you Samuel Bramer, I can’t wait to hold you some day.

Your Dad